I Tell You

I tell you I hurt all over

and you inform me that the pain is all in my head

Okay, I think,

Maybe it’s my anxiety that’s causing me to hurt.

I tell you I am debilitated by chronic illness

and you insist that I don’t look sick

Okay, I wonder,

Am I really as sick as I say?

I’m a six year old telling you that my eyebrows hurt

and you assure me that I’m imagining it

Okay then, I decide,

my eyebrows must not hurt after all.

I tell you I restrict my eating to the point of danger

and you exclaim that I’m too fat to be anorexic

Okay, I consider,

I must be eating more than I realize.

I tell you I drink enough water every day

and you demand that the tests show otherwise

Okay, I question,

maybe I forget to drink more often than I realize.

I’m shouting for your attention by silently starving myself

but you refuse to see what’s right in front of you.

Okay, I muse

my pain must not be so important.

I tell you that I know I’m not pregnant- I had a hysterectomy 8 years ago

but you require a pregnancy test anyway

Ok, I chastise myself,

I must have not been clear enough in my explanation

I tell you that I’m going to the hospital because I’m in excruciating pain

and you ask me if I really feel awful enough to go

Okay, I suppose,

maybe I’m just being a hypochondriac

I cry when you tease me

and you tell me it was just a joke

Okay, I sigh,

I must be overly sensitive

I tell you that I remember being touched after saying no

and you insist that you would have known if that really happened

Okay, I agree,

I can’t trust my flashbacks anyway

I tell you that sex feels like I’m being cut by a thousand shards of glass

and you urge me to keep those words unspoken in our community

Okay, I whisper,

I must be the only one

I try to share my endo journey to help others who suffer

and you chastise me that I’m being immodest

Okay, I realize,

my story only makes people uncomfortable

You doubt me

you blame me

you invalidate me

you gaslight me

you laugh at me

you question me

you minimize me

you silence me

Okay, I’m left to wonder,

Do I even exist at all?